Top Gun

We interrupt this broadcast with news that the New York Jets have acquired Santonio “It Wasn’t Me” Holmes from the Pittsburgh Steelers for a fifth round draft pick. Holmes, a former first round pick out of the Ohio State University, is a 26-year-old Super Bowl MVP fresh off a career best 79-catch, 1,248-yard season.

Like every Jets move this offseason, the Holmes acquisition is not without controversy. Holmes is a troubled talent, to say the least. In May 2006, he was arrested for disorderly conduct. A month later, he was changed with domestic violence and assault. Both misdemeanors were later dismissed. He was picked up again in 2008, this time for possession of marijuana. Because of this, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin benched Holmes for one game, although Holmes did bounce back in time to make one of the greatest catches in Super Bowl history. Second only to this. 

Holmes, who is known to be a little too friendly with digital cameras, will also likely have to sit out the first four games of the 2010 season for violating the National Football League’s substance abuse policy. His pending suspension goes a long way in explaining how the Jets were able to steal him for a fifth round pick. 

Holmes joins a roster of, umm, interesting characters. Fellow receiver Braylon Edwards is still dealing with some lingering legal issues, while Antonio Cromartie, the Jets’ recently acquired defensive back, has a O-line's worth of paternity suits pending against him and roughly seven times as many illegitimate kids as Tom Brady. 

Still, the addition of Holmes unquestionably makes the Jets a very dangerous team, like a barrel of gasoline. As ESPN points out, in a span of six months, the Jets receiving core has gone from Jerricho Cotchery, Chansi Stuckey and David Clowney to Edwards, Holmes and Cotchery. That’s quite an upgrade. Add to that the late-season emergence of Shonn Greene as the team’s No. 1 back, the promise of tight end Dustin Keller, the eventual return of Leon Washington, the ghost of LaDainian Tomlinson and a formidable offensive line, and you get a Jets offense more or less on par with the league’s best. The rehabilitating Mark Sanchez, a few months removed from an impressive playoff performance, must be eager to play with his new shiny toys.  

And then there’s that Jets defense. If the Jets can add a bona fide pass rusher, either through free agency or the draft, I very much like the team's chances of reaching the Super Bowl. As SI's Peter King notes:

the Jets are amazing. They've become a little like the old Raiders (we're afraid of taking no one on our team), a little like the Yankees (we'll sign anyone to win), and a little like the Dan Snyder Redskins (we love headlines!) in the last year. With any luck, they'll sign all-decade player Jason Taylor to be a designated pass-rusher by Wednesday. And with all the additions, they've retained their first- and second-round picks, 29th and 61st overall. If they don't implode, they're going to a damn good team.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. 

Yankees I Hate #25: Chan Ho Park

A fifteen-year veteran of the major leagues, Chan Ho Park has spent most of his career pitching harmlessly for the likes of the Dodgers, Rangers, and a fairly random assortment of National League teams. Once among the first wave of elite Asian pitchers to come to MLB, Park had three or four strong seasons, then became a solidly mid-rotation starter. It's not fair of me to say that he overachieved for 25% percent of his MLB career, but damn if that's not my opinion anyway. Park will be best remembered by this editor for serving up the valedictory home run to Cal Ripken Jr. in the 2001 All-Star Game. Ripken was in his final season, and far from deserving of an all-star spot, but it was nice for him to go out on a high note.

Reasons to like him:
Park was part of the years-long mediocrity of Texas' starting rotation, something I always somehow found amusing. He never had any meaningful run-in with the Sox, and seemed more or less content to do his thing outside the spotlight. All this being very decent of him. The Ripken homer was a stand-up thing to do, even if it's not perfectly clear that it was intentional in his only all-star appearance; and in his World-Series-losing 2009 campaign with the Phillies, he wore a much-loved beard.

Reasons to hate him:
The loss of the beard. Joe Girardi's me-too rule against facial hair in the Bronx is a little lame, and a little annoying, but I don't hold that against Park. He did (Park) turn down a $3m chance to stay with the Phillies midway through last year, which turned out to be neither popular nor smart--he's making a third of that now. Still, these are minor sins, barely visible in the scheme of things.

Overall hate rating:
Minimal. He seems to have a sense of humor about himself, solid veteran pitcher with a respectable public personality. I don't mind Park at all, maybe even like him a little bit. Score: 1 out of 10 on the anti-Yankee meter.

Yankees I Hate: An Original Series

Spring has come to New York. The cherry blossoms are in bloom, the line at the Shake Shack is filling up the webcam. Etc. And, like every year, I am really annoyed at the Yankees just for existing.

In these times we live in, hating a team can be just as confusing as rooting for one. Players come and go, occasionally from good to evil (and sometimes to irrelevant), but the fact that the Yankees are the bad guys remains, in my world, an inarguable fact.

With the new season underway, I think it's important that we Red Sox people get our ducks in a row. Just who are the worst Yankees, and who are the best (or least bad)? How does one explain the subtle differences that make Bernie Williams an ok guy but Paul O'Neill unbearable to look at?

These are the essential questions of being a fan.

So, over the next few weeks, You're Wrong About Everything will be ranking the Yankees from least hated to most, starting today. I will try to keep the gloves up, because I know Miles will be badgering me about the awfulness of Jason Varitek.

Stay tuned for the unveiling of the least-hated Yankee of 2010.

Play Ball

With less than six hours until the first pitch of the 2010 MLB season, I thought I should throw out my predictions for the upcoming season. Why should my other failed prognostications wither alone on the vine?

On paper, the Yankees look like the team to beat. A ton of things can happen between Opening Day and October, but it's hard not to feel bullish about an everyday lineup of Derek Jeter, Nick Johnson, Mark Teixeira, A-Rod, Robinson Cano, Jorge Posada, Curtis Granderson, Nick Swisher and Brett Gardner; a starting rotation of CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Andy Pettitte, Javier Vazquez and Phil Hughes; and a bullpen of Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte, Chan Ho Park, Joba, David Robertson and the incomparable and seemingly ageless Mariano. That's a championship-calibre team. On paper, at least. We'll find out whether or not the 162-game season bears this out.

I have to admit, I don't know what to think about the Sox. I'm inclined to argue they don't have enough pieces to make the postseason, while the Rays look set for a bounce back year. That said, I think the total difference among these three AL East teams will be less than or equal to 10 games, with the Yankees capturing the division late. Right now, I give a marginal advantage to the Rays over the Sox because Tampa possesses a superior offense and a comparable defense. If the Sox add Adrian Gonzalez, though, pencil in the Sox and Yanks for an epic ALCS. If not, the Rays should have enough for the Wild Card, but not enough to get past the Yankees in the postseason.

In the AL Central, I like the Twins, even without Nathan. Mauer and Morneau are far, far superior to any other tandem in the division. Out West, I think the Rangers slug their way to a division title behind a healthy and rejuvenated AL MVP Josh Hamilton, holding off a stubborn Angels team and the much improved--but ultimately punchless--Mariners.

All won't be lost for the Mariners, though: Felix Hernandez will win his first of many Cy Young Awards.

In the senior league, no NL East team will come close to catching Cy Young Award winner Roy Halladay and the Phillies, although I do like the Braves' chances of winning the Wild Card. The NL Central, per usual, belongs to the Cardinals, while the sneaky good Rockies, led by NL MVP Troy Tulowitzki, will knock off the Dodgers before capturing the National League pennant.

In the Fall Classic, the Yankees will beat the Rockies, 4 games to 2.

American League:
Yankees
Twins
Rangers
Rays (Wild Card)

MVP: Josh Hamilton
Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

ALDS:

Yanks over Rangers

Rays over Twins

ALCS:

Yanks over Rays

National League:
Phillies
Cardinals
Rockies
Braves (Wild Card)

MVP: Troy Tulowitzki
Cy Young: Roy Halladay

ALDS:

Phillies over Cardinals

Rockies over Braves

ALCS:

Rockies over Phillies

World Series:
Yankees over Rockies

BEN:

Well that was a good one last night. Not a sterling performance by either team really; but of course I'm pleased with any Red Sox win. And as a baseball fan, I'm just glad that the wait is over. We gutted it out through a winter of mediocre Celtics games and the Lakers looking, for a while anyway, like clear favorites. And I am glad to be on the other side.

I've got to say, I love the Red Sox' new arrivals. I still don't think they're dethroning the Yankees, whose lineup is frankly just too damn stacked. (Am I the only one who thinks Brett Gardner just looks odd coming up to the plate next to all these career all-stars?) But I think these are the best two teams in all of baseball, and like every year, it's going to be a dogfight.

I've got to disagree with you about the Sox/Rays debate. Sure, the Sox may lack a second elite hitter behind Youkilis--and I don't think our beloved Mr. Ortiz is going to return to his '07 form--but they are an extremely deep team, with a long lineup, and I don't buy into this idea that they can't hit with the Rays. Unless BJ Upton, now 25, finally has his break-out year, I'd say the Sox are actually the better offense. They have hitters who work the count, hit for power, and get on base up and down the lineup. There's no easy out anywhere on their roster, something you can't say about the Rays, as talented as they are. Gabe Kapler is an average hitter on his best days, and let's not forget that this lineup saw huge career years for Ben Zobrist and Jason Bartlett last season; a repeat performance is possible but certainly not guaranteed. Plus, although he's hugely talented and may break out at any time, let's recall that B.J. Upton went .241-11-55 last year.

All that, plus the fact that the Sox have better pitching, says to me that they're headed for the AL Wild Card this year. I will agree, for whatever it's worth, that this is an extremely competitive three-team race, and nothing is guaranteed.

Before I get to the predictions themselves, I would like to point out that you are suffering from some wrongnesses in other divisions. The Twins are still a strong team, but I think it's going to be a weird year for them. Not having a closer is an adventure, and not in a good way--you can lose a lot of games you thought you had (as we saw with the Yankees last night). I think we tend to underrate the importance of bullpens this time of year. Plus we don't know how they'll perform outside of the very home-friendly Metrodome. (They were under .500 on the road each of the last two years.) Which is why I'm taking the White Sox to win the Central. Best starting rotation and best bullpen in the division. Pitching wins championships, isn't that what they say?

I also think the Rangers are a too-fashionable pick to win the AL West, a division that in my mind still belongs to Anaheim. They did get worse in the offseason, but Morales and Kendrick are coming into their own as hitters, and they did add Matsui, still a great hitter when he's healthy, and being kept safely away from fielding duties. (I can already feel myself starting to like him now that he's not a Yankee).

Anyway, the predictions.

American League:
Yankees
White Sox
Angels
Red Sox (wild card)

MVP: Evan Longoria
Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

National League:
Phillies
Cardinals
Giants
Dodgers (wild card)

MVP: Albert Pujols
Cy Young: Adam Wainwright

ALDS:
Yankees over White Sox
Red Sox over Angels

ALCS:
Yankees over Red Sox (lord help me)

NLDS:
Phillies over Dodgers
Cardinals over Giants

NLCS:
Cardinals over Phillies

World Series:
Yankees over Cardinals

MILES:

All solid picks. Should be a good, competitive season throughout the Majors. I'm excited.

BEN:

The camera has recorded the first instance of the Jonathan Papelbon face in 2010.

March Madness Picks

Like just about everyone I know, I'm in a bunch of different March Madness pools this year. It gets to the point where you just start making picks because you did the opposite on a different bracket. I've invested a modest amount of money in these projects, but the only return I expect is the abstract pleasure of keeping score; that, I suppose, and the 5-10% chance that I'll actually win something.

Anyway, this is the first time in the history of March Madness that I've had a sports blog, and I figure it's the right location for my real, uncompromised predictions about college basketball. I repeat, here are my actual predictions, based on upwards of 2-3 hours of vague thinking about this topic without any real dedication.

I'm not going to reproduce a whole bracket, but just go from the Sweet 16 onwards. So, to wit:

MIDWEST
Kansas
Michigan State
Georgetown
Ohio State

WEST
Syracuse
Butler
Xavier
Kansas State

SOUTH
Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

EAST
Kentucky
Wisconsin
New Mexico
West Virginia

Final Four
Kansas
Kansas State
Baylor
Kentucky

Championship
Kansas over Kentucky

MILES:

SWEET SIXTEEN

MIDWEST
Kansas
Michigan State
Georgetown
Ohio State

WEST
Syracuse
UTEP
Xavier
Kansas State

SOUTH
Duke
Utah State
Baylor
St. Mary's

EAST
Kentucky
Wisconsin
Washington
West Virginia

ELITE EIGHT

MIDWEST
Kansas
Georgetown

WEST
Syracuse
Kansas St.

SOUTH

Dukee

Baylor

EAST
Wisconsin
West Virginia

FINAL FOUR
Kansas
Kansas State
Duke
West Virginia

Championship
Kansas over Duke

The Hirsute of Greatness

In the long, storied history of Major League Baseball, a number of handsome, heroic-looking men have taken the field in pursuit of glory and/or a big, fat paycheck, depending on the player and the era. 

Kevin Youkilis is not one of them.

It’s the rare occasion I agree with Matt Taibbi, but his devastating description of Youkilis’ unfortunate physical appearance, which ran in Men’s Journal last year, is, as the Pulitzer committee would say, spot on. Allow me to quote in full:

Then there’s Kevin Youkilis. Youk has only three body parts, all hideously oversized: an enormous set of gnomish, bushy forearms; a massive, casaba melon–size white head; and a cauldronlike belly. He has a truly awesome bristle of thick red chin hair that makes his face look like a cross between a vagina and something out of The Hobbit. At the plate he disgustingly gushes sweat by some means previously unknown to science in which the moisture travels upward along his body, racing in a cascade from his balls and armpits up his neck, over his head, and back down over the bill of his helmet to shower the plate. Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.

Suffice to say, despite his cameo in Milk Money, Youkilis will never be mistaken for Ed Harris, the star of the film. 

As ballplayers go, though, Youkilis is one of the better ones. His at-bats, usually drawn out over 5 or 10 tense minutes, are at once admirable and effective, sapping the opposing pitcher of valuable energy and patience. Not to mention the hurler’s sacrosanct pitch count. I'm not going to front: Youkilis is a ball player, plain and simple, and I respect his game. (I still maintain he was a more worthy AL MVP candidate, in 2008, than teammate Dustin Pedroria). If it weren’t for his ugly mug and Lou Albino facial hair, I’d gladly welcome Youkilis on the Yankees, a team for which handsomeness, manscaping and musculature are requirements for position players seemingly on par with OPS, UZR and WARP. While that particular pipedream will most likely never come to pass, I can still enjoy Youk from a far, unlike the fackers over here who harbor an irrational, albeit good-humored, hatred of the man known in parts up North simply as Youk. 

Although, like most baseball fans, I recognize Youkilis' immense talents, what I admire most about him, I think, is the fact that he seems to take his Neanderthal-like looks in knuckle-dragging stride. "It is what it is," he once said, although, in fairness, he could have been talking about anything, from a league-imposed preseason trip to Japan to his recent dust up with Tigers pitcher--and Jersey native--Rick Porcello. His looks, or total lack thereof, are the last thing on his mind. To wit, this season, Youkilis is letting fans decide how he should shape his man-bush for only a buck a vote.

I actually love this idea. Although not my particular cup of tea, facial hair-- like Cracker Jacks, Tim McCarver, the Wave, and HGH--is, for better of for worse, a longstanding baseball tradition. We might as well embrace it, even if the idea of coming into contact with Youkilis' sweaty, hairy maw is about as appealing as a day-night double header in Pittsburgh. At present, I'm leaning toward No. 2, which just screams "man with a van,"and would probably prohibit Youkilis' re-entrance into the United States after a weekend series against the Jays.  

Proceeds go to Youk’s foundation, Hits for Kids, a worthy cause. 

BEN:

I'm late in responding to this post because I've been away in Florida, during which time I caught the first 7 innings of the Sox' spring training game against the Rays. For those who haven't experienced it, it will come as no surprise that spring training baseball can be a pretty desultory affair: a very pleasant outdoor atmosphere, peanuts and cracker jacks, and, by and large, a game whose outcome doesn't matter, and form which the big-name players depart by the third inning. And I will say that that's mostly how it felt: a relaxing afternoon, but not really a traditional sports experience.

But one player, even in the senior-citizen-laden, low-impact environment like this one, cannot fail to rouse a passionate fan response: Kevin Youkilis. As quiet as the crowd was, each time Youk came to bat, he was greeted by a full stanza worth of rehearsed, coordinated chanting, culiminating in the loudly bellowed word "Youkilis." Apparently the low and lusty bass notes of "Yooooouuk" weren't enough.

Why bring this up? Because, no matter how focused he may be on grinding out at bats, there is simply no way Youkilis could've missed this chant. He may not have understood it--I certainly didn't--but he had to know it was intended for him. And when you're a public figure, what choice do you really have? You've got to embrace your image.

So it's comforting to hear that Youkilis is embracing the baseball world's odd relationship to his physical appearance. Yours is not the first Boston-hating voice to speak up on the subject of Youk's yeti-ish mien. And it's not hard for me to see why he'd be totally infuriating to all but the Boston faithful. As I've said to friends before, Youkilis is far and away the baseball player most likey to bring a pet tarantula to the clubhouse. This is somehow apparent from the way he runs. And I can't explain it any better than that.

I must disagree with your friend Mr. Taibbi about one thing: Youkilis is defined by his massive ass, not his belly. I'm actually not even convinced he *has* a belly; only the extreme front of his ass. But I suppose this is a digression.

As for the facial hair? I'll say mustache, which is really the only inspired choice on the board. I'll take my act over to Hits for Kids and see if I can't make this happen.

Use this Space to Hype the Fact That Athletes Work Out

This morning's pie-eyed story about Red Sox pitching prospect Casey Kelly, along with the NY Post's assiduous coverage of the Yankees' evening of pre-teen entertainment, is a reminder that the time has dawned for pointless stories about people getting ready.

I love baseball as much as the next--usually more, in fact--and I have I'm extremely excited to go see my first-ever Spring Training baseball game in Fort Myers next week. But it's good to keep in mind that every spring we read the same stories--players having lost weight, trying out a new pitch, or even just "feeling good"--and they are not predictive of...anything.

The fantasy blog RotoWire kept a good list of last year's so-called Spring Training Cliches, a nice thing to revisit a year later. Here are some of my favorite useless stories from this time last year:

*Last spring: Brian Bruney looked fit. During the season: saw his ERA spike by 2 runs and was demoted from 8th inning duties. Gave up 2 runs on 3 hits while recording just one out in his only postseason appearance.

*Last spring: Jacoby Ellsbury looked "jacked". During the season: saw his home runs decrease from 9 to 8; doubles went from 22 to 27.

*Last spring: Francisco Liriano worked on his changeup. During the season: Went 5-13 with a 5.80 ERA.

Lord knows there were others. So far this season, we've got Casey Kelly retiring three Boston College baseball players in order, and Boof Bonser feeling healthy except for a blister. Look out, world.

I'll do my best to keep a running list of things that athletes have been doing in the offseason. We can turn back to this post around the All-Star break and see what hindsight yields.

MILES:

Cabalitto!